Sonny's Blues by James Baldwin

From the beginning to the end I throughly enjoyed the reading. I found it to be very well written, with complexity of characters that were dynamic. I could relate to certain aspects of the reading because I have a sister who is close in age, and the relationship of siblings that runs deep.

Here are some quotations that I found, which had a deeper impression, on me, while I read the story.

"It was a special kind of ice." This quote illustrates, to me, the worries and concerns a brother may have towards his brother. Its just any kind of worry, or just say ice, but it's a special kind that has deeper meaning and depth. That only, maybe, sibling can share or even others who have family ties. That seems to be rooted in the ties between family and those we truly care about.

"I couldn't believe it; but what I mean by that is that I couldn't find any room for it anywhere inside me."
Wow dose that ring volume and speaks truth. We often want to believe that someone is something in our eyes, even though deep inside we know that they are not. How often dose our desire to have someone be a certain way and them turn out to be someone else often shows our denial about the truth? Or is it wrong to be denial in such truth if we have a perception of someone, why not keep it that way? I think it's because truth always comes out, whether we are ready for it or not, sooner or later.

"'He don't want to to die. He wants to live. Don't nobody want to die, ever.'" "I guess I was afraid of something or I was trying to escape from something and you know I have never been very strong in the head (smile)." It is true, I don't think anyone really wants to die. Now you may say, what about people who kill themselves? Well I still do not think they ever truly wanted to die. I believe it goes with the second quote, that we are trying to escape something... and, unfortunately, some people see this escape in suicide. But I do agree... something deep within us dose not ever want to die, some small installed feature.

"It's always at the hour of trouble and confrontation that the missing member aches." This depends on the context. But I can definitely see the point of view here, when we are in a point of where we are confronted and/or need help getting out of situation that we miss loved ones, or want that somebody else by our side. I do not think any man wants to be alone. For we all have our weak moments, and with such  weak or hard times its always good to have someone by you.

"And when the light fills the room, the child is filled with darkness. He knows that every time this happens he's moved closer to that darkness outside. The darkness outside is what the old folks have been talking about." That is pretty dark, and very deep emotions. It contrasts light and darkness, that sometimes when one is in the darkness they are able to hide and not have to confront the reality of what is to come in light. Pretty powerful statement, I'd say.

"..that Sonny was at a piano playing for his life." This definitely depicts the character Sonny, in a way. Music was definitely his life. It was a way where he could escape all his troubles and probably what kept  him going and maybe even to try to move forward in life with the fact he was a heroine user. It will be a constant struggle for Sonny, the heroine, because like alcoholism it will always be in your mind. From the classes I've taken and the stories I have heard, wow that stuff is pretty powerful ("It makes you feel-- in control. Sometimes you've got to have a feeling.") and the brain is a powerful tool. Nevertheless,  I think without the music Sonny's brother would not have been able to also truly understand his brother, towards the end.

I enjoyed reading how the author at the beginning did not realize why his brother, Sonny, truly loved music and wanted to make it his career. That for the brother it was hard to imagine someone wanting to do something that would not bring money, which is a logical viewpoint, per say. However, towards the end the author changed, and throughout watching Sonny perform he realized the depth and meaning of playing jazz and saw his brothers heart.

"For, while the tale of how we suffer, and how we are delighted, and how we may triumph in never new, it always must be heard. There isn't a tale to tell, it's the only light we've got in all this darkness."
This sums up a lot. Paints a view that in order to overcome our suffering we need to have someone listen! Yeah, wow so true. Just like how he said we want to be in darkness and not in light, well I would tie that without always be in the dark we need to share.

"Then he put it back on top of the piano (symbolized his life). For me, then, as they began to play again, it glowed and shook above my brother's head like the very cup of trembling."

Isaiah 51:17,22 "Awake, awake! Rise up, O Jerusalem, you who have drunk from the hand of the LORD the cup of his wrath, you who have drained to its dregs the goblet that makes men stagger." "This is what your Sovereign LORD says, your God, who defends his people: "See, I have taken out of your hand the cup that made you stagger; from that cup, the goblet of my wrath, you will never drink again."

A Grief Observed- Chp 3-4

These last two chapters were presented in a different light, then the first two. I found them to be a sort of more of putting the pieces together of the confusion and hurt and pain that comes along with losing a loved one. I rather enjoyed how the author was trying to understand and yet admit things that are deeply rooted in him. I agree that this book is rather poetic, and illustrates different view points are that rooted within an individual.

"Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead." This shows me that the author was really starting to just not go off emotion, but to try to put into perspective of what happened and/or is happening. That we are human, and not matter what we know and how we are suppose to feel and think dose not necessary match up all the time. Its like the saying that the heart dose not want what the brain is saying. Sometimes those spheres do not match up.

"And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man--or at any rate a man like me-- out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture dose he discover himself." Wow is that true! We sometimes think we have everything figured out, but in reality do we? How do we know what we will truly do, until there is no other option. I can relate, maybe not in loosing a loved one such as a significant other. But by feeling extreme physical/emotional pain through someones words and actions that hits you like a double edged sword through your heart that literally hurts physically. And you have to stand and choice whether you should forgive them or not. Its easy to sit in pity and dwell on 'poor me, and how i don't deserve this,' but in the end those feelings are ultimately yours and no matter what you are the one living with them daily. So if you don't make a choice to love and to forgive and to grow then you hinder yourself and you stay in that state. That is why I also like how the author talked about God being a surgeon, who dosent leave you cut open and leave you. Wow how amazing is that! He is a sculpture that is constantly molding and sculpting us. He dose not do it for himself, but for our sakes!

The way the author connected that the pictures and memories are not what make H. alive for him, just like pictures and images are not what make God alive for us. Wow I never put it in that perspective, and how that rings volume.

The ending of how when his wife said "I am in peace with God", illustrates depth that shows that she is ready, and not wanting to suffer anymore. That she says it more for herself, because often we express our feelings and/or emotions, don't we feel better from it? while the other person just sits in compassion and/or pity not truly understanding?

My trip to Roselawn Cemetry

I, Nataliya, went to the Roselawn cemetery complex and stayed for at least 40 minutes.

This is a tombstone of  a child. It truly touched me and sadden my heart.

I found this vase filled with sand and dirt to be rather symbolic. One can draw many different conclusions and ideas from such an image. 

This cemetery was rather old and yet it was quite, peaceful, but looked for sad...

Painting from book of Joel

I drew this painting based off of the following verse. Joel 2:22 "..For the open pastures are springing up, And the tree bears its fruit; The fig tree and the vine yield their strength."

This painting represents the tree bearing, fruit, and the vine of grapes as an illustrations. The colors within demonstrate the amazingness of Gods creation with His spirit dwelling with it, by the colors of beauty and wonder.

A Grief Observed- Chp 1-2

While reading a grief observed I could not help but think of the depth of pain and the rawness of the writing that was presented throughout the first two chapters. I agree with how the author said that death is like fear, a pit in your stomach feeling. That it truly never gets better every time. It was a devastating to learn that he lost most people he was close to died by cancer, three people to be exact. I agree that once someone is going through that pain, no one can really comprehend that pain because they are not in that person's body. That your body is where you feel the most emptiness and loneliness, not places or locations where the person enjoyed going. One quote that stood out to me the most is, "You can't really share someone else's weakness, or fear or pain. What you feel may be bad" (Lewis 13). 

Death is an odd thing to deal with, and the things that were written shared real emotions. For example, the not feeling God close by and being an embarrassment to his kids. The laziness that ones wake by not wanting to go on with daily activities. We can sit here and say and try to explain how we feel and the different stages that one goes through when discussing death it becomes a bit depressing. And in a way it makes you think about life and the value of it. Whats our purpose here on earth? Where are we really going? These are real questions on peoples hearts. 

I liked how the author talked about Faith, and when we are in that situation that we think we have confidence in, like the rope, but once presented with that situation where is our confidence?! and/or faith?! Wow is true and powerful. You really don't know what you would do in certain situations until you are presented with them. We can sit and judge others based off of what we think is right or wrong, and how when should react. But until we have walked in that person shoes we can not truly now the affect and the deep meaning behind it all. So who are we to say what is the right and or wrong thing to do? who are we to say that a persons feelings/emotions are right and wrong. Or even their actions/thoughts. For we can only know our own body and how we perceive and/or react to different situations. 

I would tie this reading with story with "Darkness, Questions, Poetry and Spiritual Hope." For it talked about Death and the questions that I was pondering while reading C.S. Lewis "a grief observed. That without such pain, loneliness, and emptiness we can not know what love, joy, happiness brings us. That life is a cycle with mysteries. 

The Book of Joel- Images

There are several different images throughout the reading that I came across and found to be striking, and created a wonderful picture to me.

As previously stated in my last blog the quote, "They run like mighty men, They climb the wall like soldiers; Nor do they deviate from their paths. They do not crowd each other, They March everyone in his path; When they burst through the defenses, They do not break ranks." This paints the image of devotion to me and true determination. With the repeated words of 'They" illustrates that the author's imagery and vitality of the importance that there was not just one individual marching for God, but that there are many people involved. This shows me that we are not alone, that there are people who are after God, and will walk/march though anything in order to get across. 

Another quote which paints a picture with words is as follows, "Do not fear, beasts of the field, For the pastures of the wilderness have turned green, For the tree has borne its fruit, The fig tree and the vine have yielded in full." What an illustration that makes the mind wonder, beauty with nature. When we did the activity of going outside and reading out loud to the nature, I kept repeating these lines because the image was right in front of me to a certain degree. It became more real to me and gave me a glimpse of Gods amazing glory and love. How truly wonderful and breath taking is His creation. His works and wonders I stand in awe. I don't think we could have a better artist the God, who created everything. As a tree that bears fruit is a beautiful image that can be tied into so many different imagery. Such as, a women bearing a child, it starts small and grows into something beautiful-- a human being. Gods creation of imagery is written all throughout The Bible and in our lives on a daily basis.

Lastly, the lines that painted another picture are, "The mountains will drip with sweet wine, And the hills will flow with milk, And all the brooks of Judah will flow with water; And a spring will go out from the house of the LORD To water the valley of Shittim." This gives a very metaphorical illustration. This image is something beyond what we can picture physically. Which leaves room in our brain for imagination to take over and to wonder how sweet wine can be dripping from mountains. It almost sounds like paradise, sometimes better then the reality we are  living in. Or is our reality just a simple sliver of the truth? hmmm, makes you wonder...

The book of Joel is very beautiful, simple, complex, mysterious, illustrative, breath taking, scary, and so much more...

Joel- Sound Most Beautiful Words

While reading the book of Joel I cam across several lines that rang beauty in my ears and spoke profoundly to my heart. They gave me a glimpse of our amazing true God.

In Chapter 2 the lines are as follows, "The and is like the garden of Eden before them, but a desolate wilderness behind them, and nothing at all escapes them." For me that shows that if we earnestly walk in the path of Jesus that ahead of us there sands the garden, but if we go back their is wilderness which gives loneliness, confusion, being lost and trying to find a way... when then only true way is Jesus. How profound is that?!
Another quote that attends to running after Gods glory and victory which paint a beautiful picture for me are as follows, "They run like mighty men, They Climb the wall like soldiers; and they each march in line, nor do they deviate from their paths. They do not crowd each other, They march everyone in his path" Wow I love the last two lines where they do no crowd and march in his path. That speaks that Gods kingdom is for everyone and there is not crowding, that ALL are welcomed with openness. Also the eagerness/determination to continue to marching for God shows commitment which will be rewarded.

Another quote which sounded beautiful to me is "The day of the LORD is indeed great and very awesome". Also another quote to go along with that beauty is, "For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and relenting of evil." Now that makes me want to march in that line for Him! Just saying.

I just want to end with this beautiful quote, which demonstrates a true and perfect God who is SO GOOD. "Do not fear, O land, rejoice and be glad, for the LORD has done GREAT THINGS!"

The Colonel by Carolyn Forche

While reading both poems I contemplated which one to write about. They both seemed a bit depressing.

The Colonel made me feel disgusted inside while reading it. Reading the authors headnote gave me a better understanding to the way the poem was written.  I honestly think it was written very well. It definitely illustrated her point of view across in a very image oriented way.  The way Carolyn places violent images with ordinary images makes the colonial house a scary place. I honestly would not want to be there, no thank you. When she discusses how the general gets out an ordinary bag that holds groceries in them with a bag of ears that were like dried peach halves. Now that paints an image. An image that is disturbing in my ways. I think this has something to do with the way the general treated the people. Its pretty violent if you ask me. The story if about El Salvador I believe from reading the headnote. What I get from Carolyns perspective is how human rights are violated by the country and/or the general. Basically not giving them the opportunity to hear. However, some ears do hear. No matter the violence a country places on their people, someone will always hear it and news we spread. Even if those that heard it are no longer living. Now that is pretty powerful to me. The ears being dropped also shows that through the violence people are sometimes forced to listen and others just refuse by being 'pressed to the ground'.  Maybe that means that they are in denial about the violence or that the violence has forced them to be silenced. Not quite sure I can not definitely see it in different perspectives.  I think it definitely has a big role to do with human rights and somehow the word "english" indicates to me that americans were involved somehow and/or had an influence on such rights.

well those are my.

Special Post #1

Just Coffee

            He’d said that we should have coffee only at Starbucks because the environment was just right. Because that environment invites room for open conversation.

            On evening after ordering an Americano with two pumps of white mocha, and a caramel macchiato with glass mugs, we sit down on two dark blue beat-up sofas with the hot drinks in our hands. Roberto is careful not to spill his drink while the steam ascends slowly in the air; with slight glances toward me to make sure I am as careful with my drink. We sit down with ease, while the raining is pouring outside hitting the windows with an irregular pattern that plays a melodic tune.

The café is playing soft music by Jason Mraz echoing slightly across the room; with a few people spread out sporadically, reading novels or engaged in their conversations.

These coffee outings have been occurring randomly throughout the summer months ahead. For some reason this coffee outing was a bit different. I could feel it.

            Roberto begins by asking generic questions with a slight smile. His tan skin illuminates his smile with even more brilliance. His suit looks flawless on his athletic 24-year-old body, the blue color making his tan stand out even more. His dark wavy hair is flowing gently lying across his forehead. He was breath taking, any girl would agree.

            “How have you been Mary?” I look up with eagerness, and with a big smile say “Great!” Professing that things couldn’t be better. I continue to babble on endlessly about how I got a promotion in my job and I feel like I am finally moving up in the world. I begin to twirl my finger around my blonde hair, looking directly into Roberto’s eyes. His eyes are filled with joy by looking intently into my dull blue eyes. Oh, if only he knew that I got up extra hour early to curl hair with a few bobby pins placed softly to the side and put on four different outfits struggling with which one to wear. That I work extra hard on my job, and do extra activities so that I can be at his level of determination.

            Roberto slight smile turns into a grin that lights up my heart.

            Now Roberto is a man who believes that things in life are never handed to you. That hard work equals success, and that failure is never an option. He grew up with a mother and father who worked very hard and had nice things. His mother barely worked and his father would bring in the income for the family.

            Roberto reacts with equal the enthusiasm to match mine. He has a way of making my big accomplishments seem the best. I wonder how he is about the small accomplishments in my life?

He then goes on quickly about his job.

“Mary you know this week has been really tough on me, I feel like I am constantly getting pushed down.” Then as soon as he finishes, he inputs, “But you know what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” 

I nodded my head and smiled. “Roberto you are being to rough on yourself…” (Roberto interrupts)

“I know, I know Mary, people don’t realize that what I am selling to them helps them in the long run. Everyone needs life insurance. It’s hard to call people all the time and have people promise to meet with you and then stand you up.”

I look up with compassion in my eyes, and proclaim that his hard work is not going in vain. He continues to go back and forth explaining how people stand him up and leaves him empty handed. Then backs up that this is part of the job that he signed up for and needs to work harder.

He would take days where he would loose sleep over his job/clients. All his life he has been told that you need to work hard and play later. He always was working for something. When he completed one goal, he was unto the next. Always thinking, always planning. I felt as if my accomplishments were small.

 With concern and watching Roberto battle inside, I sit back and say, “Honestly it sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself more than trying to convince me.”

His face drops, and his eyes fall to the floor. “Yeah maybe I am,” Roberto quietly whispers. He quickly shifts the conversation by asking me about my future plans.

“Well I am still waiting to hear back from medical schools to see whether I have been accepted or not.”

“How long will you be in medical school?” questions Roberto with lowered eyebrows.

“Another four years, and then I have to residency!” I explain with much delight.

“Oh, wow that is very long.” He proclaims with disappointment in his voice.

            As soon as those words leave Roberto’s mouth, I knew that this is the last time I will see him. 

            “You’re not the first guy to tell me that.” I said looking to the side and then straight into his eyes. I couldn’t believe this has happening all over again. It was like déjà vu with the others. What I do is not enough or it was too much, I wondered to myself slightly.

“How are things with that girl… Gloria is her name?”

            Roberto’s eyes sadden and his shoulders slouch down, ”Unfortunately we are not together anymore.” My heart and everything within me shattered like broken glass falling into a million pieces. Who uses the word unfortunately when discussing an ex? I thought to myself. I knew deep inside he was not over her, and that he was not ready for me. I had to stay composed.

            He goes on, “We still remain in contact and she is a very good friend of mine.”

From that point on I knew that this would be our last coffee date together and he would not contact me again anytime soon. Its what the other men did.

            “Do you see yourself getting back together with her in the future?” I ask with uneasiness in my voice.

            “Honestly, Mary, I can not answer that for I do not know what the future holds.”

“Okay…” My voice drifts in the distance as we look down into our now empty glass mugs.

Notes on Character- This Blessed House

The character that I wanted to emphasize my attention was Twinkle.  Looking through the character report and re-reading the story gave me a different angle to take this story.

First, I'll begin with the physical description. Twinkle seemed to be an average size and a beautiful lady. "'Your wife's wow'". Also, the way the flowers in her hair were described gave a sense of who she was, free-spirited.

Throughout the reading I picked up on different things here and there. Like the things Twinkle would say to Sanjeev showed that she kept her way of thinking and did not let little things bother her. However, unless they are taken away. When Sanjeev threatened to get ride of the Jesus Statue outside created an outburst that was not expected of such a chipper character. But it showed her vulnerability, desire to have things go her way. Sanjeev was shocked, I can't say I was really shocked by her response. She seemed more attached to the christian objects then her husband. Maybe it was her way of replacing the things that her heart longed for from her husband by such items that gave her a hunt for treasure, and happiness in a way.

Another character observation I can make is the way she entertained the guest that came. Her main task was to make the people feel comfortable and she was very talkative. The guest seem to respond better to Twinkle then her husband did. Her husband was more judgmental of his so-called friends, that he was shocked when they brought gifts. However, Twinkle talked the guest like she has known them for years. She didn't seem to mind what people thought of her house, and took each moment and talked about it. 

Twinkles thoughts seemed to around the house and the objects she kept finding. This shows to me that if she was not the type of women to enjoy her life and make the most of it. Relax when need be, and entertain. She did not cook yet or really clean. But she did once in a blue moon. When she made that dish from the vinegar. It seemed more like she made that dish to prove to Sanjeev that she said she was going to use the vinegar and did. Once again it showed how Sanjeev was surprised about how good the dish was, showed his low expectations on people and even his wife.

Overall, these characters are complex and have so many layers just like an onion. But doesn't everyone have such layers?